Assalamualaikum..
Tetiba mlm ni terasa mcm nk meluahkan rasa hati..
Selama berpuluh tahun aku hidup, perasaan insecure, rendah diri, low self esteem, takut dan mcm2 rasa negatif yg sentiasa ada dlm kepala..
Dari kecik sampai ke tua ni, aku sentiasa cuba untuk atasi perasaan negatif dalam diri tu..
Aku sentiasa cuba untuk cabar diri.. walau sentiasa kecundang, akan end up memalukan diri sendiri, tapi i don't quite care.. i think..
I want to have self confidence.. i wanna feel proud of myself..
But it was never a successfull tries..
Dari sekolah rendah, aku akan join apa saje aktiviti sekolah.. aku akan selalu join acara sukan sekolah cth mcm lari pecut, lari berganti2, bola baling, maraton, bola tampar, lempar cakera, lontar peluru, lompat tinggi, lompat jauh n lain2, aktiviti lain mcm pertandingan muzik, dikir barat, pertandingan bercerita, bersyarah, pidato, berlakon, pantomen, dj radio sekolah, nasyid, ketua kelas, ketua persatuan, camping n segala neka laa.. sampai cikgu2 semua kenal aku.. haha.. tapi i'm still a biggest loser..
I was never able to do the best.. i'll freaked out.. rasa malu gile.. felt so embarrassed that i tend to sabotage myself.. haha.. i'm so weird..
Tapi every now n then, almost everyday, there will always be times where i feels like doing some harmfull things to myself.. haha..
Coz i wanted to know how it feels if i was to die..or perhaps something really terrible happen, what would that feels like? What would others feel bout me.. n perhaps everyone that i love would felt relieved or satisfied or would they ever feel sad??
Is it a stress? Is this depression? I don't know..
Bila tgh bwk motor or kete, tetiba rasa mcm nak langgar je lori depan tu..
Pastu tetiba rasa mcm sedih plak.. semua bnd nak sentap..
Kadang, i sing to ease the feelings..
Tapi most of the time, istighfar laju2 n byk2 kali.. baru rasa negatif tu hilang..
Penat nak rasa down.. selalu rasa diri unworthy, rasa semua org benci, rasa bodoh sgt2, rasa mcm when i made even a slight mistake, it's a huge thing that will flip everything upside down..
Sometimes i tried to make jokes.. it's just my way to show that i might be ok..
Tapi dalam hati, dlm kepala aku, xtau mcm mane serabutnye laa.. that's y i was never good with words..
Susah nak really cakap apa yg perlu.. i felt alone.. rasa tersisih.. rasa mcm dibenci.. rasa mcm x guna.. haha..
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Edited: Apr'21
Tapi, after a while, I took some times alone, tried to remember all the things that my husband said.
I need to try something else to reduce the burden in my heart.
At the moment, I was unable to recover from the heartbroken.
Then, one day, after Maghrib, I open the Holy Quran. I start to recite Al-Fatihah and the first surah.
At that moment, I felt like something struck my heart. my eyes became teary. I felt some relive that I haven't felt for quite sometimes.
Allah!! This might be it. It's been so long..
From that moment onwards, I never felt the empty feelings much. I don't need to sing till midnight anymore.
No more perasaan nak hiris tangan bile nampak pisau, nak terbalikkan kuali panas ke, nak langgar lori semua Alhamdulillah hilang..
I can smile much.. I'm loving the feelings.
So, I believed, semua yang terjadi, yang orang kate ubat depression is kembali pada Allah, is TRUE.
They never specifically said on HOW to kembali pada Allah.. Jaga Solat, tapi do some additional, bacalah Al-Quran. Paksa diri.. In shaa Allah, kemanisan nya akan dirasai..
Don't trust me. But, TRUST IN ALLAH..
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